Chitre, Herrera, Panama - The Buttplug of Los Santos

Discussion in 'Living in Panama' started by EdBowers, Jul 26, 2011.

  1. EdBowers

    EdBowers New Member

    For lack of other options I have decided to rename the city of Chitre to the Buttplug of Los Santos. Here is where the Chit starts and it can only get worse the longer you move from the Panamanian version of civilization (Panama City).

    It was more of a forced road trip if anything as we needed to process a dead beat delivery guy who was fired back in November of last year for picking up passengers on his routes. He now has an attorney and wants MONEY. After 8 months of 60 cent local brews they have finally gotten to schedule the hearing. 2 attorneys, 2 reps, 2 witnesses and of course the plaintiff showed up but not the judge. Either he was so hungover that he couldn't pick up his phone or he was counting his share naked in the bathtub - odds are pointing at a combo.

    Checking into the hotel is always a breeze with threats of ACODECO reports to get the right rates. Finally we were in the rooms and I announced to everyone to not do a fkn thing until I have verified the internet (it had slipped my mind). Of course it was completely dead since they were using a special form av WPA2 Enterprise designed for safe-guarding space shuttle designs in special clearance areas. Check-out from the Versalles was 30 mins later and on to Azuero grand hotel.

    I am pretty sure the beds were pure concrete blocks with metal sheets welded up on top for added comfort. By noon internet was down so we left for some shopping.

    $5.25 for a $1.83 3-pack of extra duty Penn tennis balls summarizes the attempt to spend anything but processed oxygen.

    At least it's a lower risk of being butt raped if the buttplug is already in.

    My back problems appear to be gone.
     
  2. nakedguydb

    nakedguydb New Member

    oh Ed , tell us hoe you really feel . chitre is a beautiful town LOL , well at least if you live down here as it beats Los Tables for shopping hands down ,
     
  3. EdBowers

    EdBowers New Member

    Man, I had a blast there. I explained to the entire staff that Chitre must by the inflection point of all arbitrary space-time continuum models, while smiling broadly. They were glad that I am enjoying the town.

    The lottery salesman came into the lunch restaurant. Immediately everyone started screaming 18, 20 and other seemingly random numbers while he verified the ticket options. I suggested that he get a portable ticket printer so people can select their numbers and actually get them. The guy looked like I had torn his heart out. Apparently he is part lottery sales man, part human being and not a machine.
     
  4. TennVol

    TennVol New Member

    Ed,
    Please tell me you have a travel blog and also send me the link if you do!
    :cool:
     
  5. nakedguydb

    nakedguydb New Member

    well if your wanting the best dinner inn town , go to the bypass road and go to the casino , well the restaurant across the parking lot , beautiful open air place with good food and service
     
  6. jonr

    jonr New Member

    I understand that it's difficult for a delivery guy to drive right by friends that are walking. Could have been worse.
     
  7. EdBowers

    EdBowers New Member

    La Terrazas, as was the name, is a nicely decorated restaurant with a sufficient breeze to keep you balanced in the evening.

    They charged $6.50 for a pack of Viceroy - if I remember correct these ran you about $1.25 back in 2007, resulting in a 520 % combined inflation and convenience fee.

    The sub-standard hamburger was $7, came with mushy fries and refrigerator stored crispy bacon. A simple corvina started at $11.

    They were basically holding the cow at knife-point when we entered, so service was quite good. The service level however simply stemmed from having no other clients whatsoever.

    Will come back for lunch if Panama has a toilet paper shortage.

     
  8. nakedguydb

    nakedguydb New Member

    well the last time I ate there it was good , about 8 months ago , but if you find a better place please post it , good places are hard to find in these parts
     
  9. EdBowers

    EdBowers New Member

    I found another one. I had such a good time I had to photograph the menu translations. Here they are:

    Al termidor = Termidor Style
    Salsa Agridulce = Bittersweet Sauce
    Yuca al Moho = Mossy Yuca
    Patacones = Mashed Green Plantain
    Con Langostinos = With Growfish
    Con Almendras = With Amlonds
    Corvina = Corbina
    Pulpo = Cuttlefish
    Langostinos = Grawfish
    Estos platos los puede = RimT hese plates may be
    A La Plancha = Pressed
    Emparedados de Jamon = Jam Sandwich
    Coctel de Langostinos = Grawfish Cocktail

    To be honest, I think I will go to McDonalds from here on out. Suicide is not quite a option yet!

    The best approach might be gasoline and matches - wait and see what might rise from the ashes (if anything). First place they will probably sell smokes at $7 and wait for the insurance policy to kick in......

     
  10. nakedguydb

    nakedguydb New Member

    well good luck there at rotten ronnies
     
  11. EdBowers

    EdBowers New Member

    I missed one from the other place:

    Postres = Dessertes

    I never go to rotten ronnies, but in this case I prefer to know what I died from. I doubt the helicopter ambulance will respond positively to termidor style mossy yuca with pressed cuttlefish and growfish dessertes on a handwritten note.

    The whole episode reminds me of my late English teacher who said she had collected 57 misspellings of immediately over 25 years.

     
  12. Richy Rich

    Richy Rich New Member

    Try MRWOOHOO's favourite brothel, oops, I mean restaurant in Pedasi, guaranteed to pile on the pounds.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iu3v77eXVTM

    And afterwards a personal real estate tour from Kent and I focusing on wealthy grannies.
     
  13. EdBowers

    EdBowers New Member

    That movie is very good at describing what is going on. Nothing, absolutely nothing and foreigners with Unabomber personalities waiting to die or defraud plus empty overpriced shitholes to eat. Everywhere I go it reminds me of Poinciana or some other nuclear wasteland.

    I would not even consider living here to die, only as a last resort to commit suicide if somehow the San Andreas fault line mysteriously extended itself up through Oregon and sunk the entire frickin state in the Pacific.

     
  14. Richy Rich

    Richy Rich New Member

    It has one redeeming feature, it saves some other place from being the armpit of Panama.
     
  15. Gordo

    Gordo New Member

    I thought Colon was the armpit of Panama?
     
  16. nakedguydb

    nakedguydb New Member

    no that is the city . a big dirty , smelly place were traffic moves at a snails pace . sidewalks so broken up there are no blind people left alive , manholes cover sold as scrap and the manholes are full of tires busted off cars . oh ya the city is a jem , black water flowing in the upscale areas like the lobby of TOC ill take quiet pedasi any day , oh did i mention you can swim in the ocean here without finding all those OH HENRY bars LOl
     
  17. Richy Rich

    Richy Rich New Member

    At least in Colon there is the possibility of getting raped, mugged or shot every time you step outside. It alleviates the bonecrushing boredom.
     
  18. adamruns

    adamruns New Member

    Home run Grill across form the Stadium is the best best to eat in Chitre.

    Decent pizza place closer to Iglasia run by a Canadian guy. Memories was good but the service was slow. Frostee's will substitute soda machine juice for soda if you are buying a combo.
     
  19. nakedguydb

    nakedguydb New Member

    never tried the home run grill , next time in chitre , where is the pizza place ?
     
  20. Contrail

    Contrail New Member

    A US sports grill, a Canadian pizza guy and a US franchise. You are on to something.

     

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